An Ancient Look at Male Enhancement

An Ancient Look at Male Enhancement
No peek at the past would be complete without a thorough examination of how male enhancement and performance have become so popular today.Ads are found everywhere.You see them in on-line pop-ups, magazines, on TV, and even on major league baseball scoreboards.No one is immune or protected from these ads.We are bombarded with them, regardless of our age, race, religion or political belief. But how did the whole thing get started?Why are the terms “enhancement” and “performance” such buzzwords today?

Thanks to modern technology and a relentless effort by paleontologists and archeologists world wide, we finally have an answer to these perplexing questions.

Now, I realize that the average reader is not “Mr. Science Guy,” like myself.So I will make a sincere attempt to not be pedantic in my vocabulary usage and I will honestly try to keep the following explanation in the vernacular.Which really means I will try to not use big words.

The first evidence that males were curious about their enhancement was found on ancient cave walls in Mesopotamia.The graffiti is located about 275 furlongs or 125 cm, southeast of Dr. U.R. Leakey’s museum in Aruba.To us, this translates into about 15,846 miles due east of Nicktown or about 147 degrees south west of Loretto.

There, on the cave walls, the ancient writings and pictures proved that early males did indeed cover themselves during cold weather with animal skins.The skins, with the woolly mammoth-like fur on the outside, were supported by the early nimrods using Velcro, grown and cultivated on the South Fork Branch of the Little Conemaugh River.

Why they did not wear the furry side next to their body is a mystery.But some researchers theorize that this practice could possibly make them forget that they were supposed to be out hunting and gathering food.Getting caught up in various furry sensations could have eventually contributed to starvation of the whole tribe – so they had to be constantly reminded that the rawhide side was to be worn against the human skin.

Fossils show this practice lead to the first cases of jock itch.Eons later, a treatment was discovered by the Babylonians, who used Baby Lonian Powder for a possible cure.Today this powder is now known as Cruex and is sold worldwide in pharmacies from Moscow to Colver.

Once the leather side of their hides dried out and became rigid, further theory suggests that the early clothing became very uncomfortable against the skin.Hence the saying, “no pain, no gain” originated.

Scientists speculate that the fur was replaced during the warmer seasons with a fig leaf.The dimensions of the leaves averaged between 1.02 square millimeters and 6,987 cubic meters, which translates into a size somewhere between a cloverleaf and a giant leaf of chemically treated tobacco.Naturally the leaf size chosen was directly related to the number of male enhancement ads the cave man saw on various billboards throughout the country. The more ads he was exposed to, the more he felt enhanced.And the size of the fig leaf was directly proportional to the amount of Baby Lonian Powder and Cruex used by the sufferer.

The amount of the powder used by some ancient males was estimated at between .012 mg. and 15.8 degrees Celsius.This translates into more common units in the English language – between .0009 ounces and 12.3 metric tons.Naturally the supply quickly waned against the demand, so men learned to squeeze the leaves of the Cala plant and to produce Calamine lotion.

Later, in the Mesozoic Era the evidence proved that man evolved to a higher plain, similar to the Cresson summit.No scientists under age twenty-one were permitted to view the drawings and ancient writings on the newly discovered cave walls in an ancient city, simply identified as XXX.The FBI and CIA keep the exact location of these findings “classified.”But one source said, on condition of anonymity, that the cave is located in Frugality.

There the drawings show two men identified by researchers as Itchy and Scratchy.These two cave-dwelling hunters apparently were not taking precautions, and accidentally wore their garments inside out.Thus, they forgot to hunt and gather food for their community and were shunned by their fellow Neanderthals.

The hieroglyphic code, deciphered by the Nanty Glo police department, further proved that these two men took two women and left the area.The foursome started a new colony many kilograms away known as Jimtown.

Once established in their new colony, the men scrapped their skins entirely and wore huge fig leaves year-round, regardless of the weather.Ancient carvings also indicate that the men also tossed their old names Itchy and Scratchy.A more modern language known as slang, replaced the old language of the Paleolithic Era and the Jimtown men became known simply as Peter and Dick.

Local legend states that their women got very tired of the men’s attitude.When the men were asked what their plans were for the weekend, the women grew weary of the reply,“I think we’ll just ‘hang out’ in Jimtown.”

So, there you have it.A complete unsolicited, accurate, unambiguous account of why our civilization is so consumed with male enhancement today.We must thank the entire group of researchers for their untiring work and loyalty.

When interviewed and asked for his opinion on the male enhancement attitude of the future, Dr. U.R. Leakey IV said,“I feel that further discoveries will prove the existence of a third man donned in a giant fig leaf.And his leaf will have incomparable dimensions.He will have seen and responded to more “enhancement” ads than all who preceded him.And he will be regarded in awe.He will become known as ‘Dave.’”

Readers, please hang loose and await further developments.

My Roots - The Potchaks - circa 1927

My Roots - The Potchaks - circa 1927
From Left: Son, Steve - Dad, Frank - Mom, Anastasia (Makar) - Sons; John, Mike, Frank, Chuck (Author's Dad) - Twins, Pete & Mary - Daughter, Catherine. Photo taken in Wilmore, PA