Shocking New Research Involving Marital Bliss

The last thing a married person needs in life is to read more clichés concerning the differences between males and females.  We’ve heard them before. Men are from different planets; they use their brains rarely, if at all; and at times they think with body parts not designed for thought.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to learn of some new research that you might not only find interesting, but might also actually work in providing a marriage with a new, way-overdue approach to reaching maximum bliss?

The breakthrough

I am proud to proclaim that after 39 years of marriage, I have indeed stumbled upon such a vital breakthrough.  Although related a little to an old adage, “Good communication is a must in a marriage,” this skill is not nearly as complicated.

When your wife is having a bad day, you merely have to listen. Yes, keep your mouth closed and listen.  It’s so simple and so obvious; yet this solution has escaped males for eons as we fight off our basic testosterone-driven tendency to react violently to defend our women and our territory.  Allow me the opportunity to explain.

A man’s tendency to over-react

When my wife, a kindergarten teacher for 36 years, came home and started to tell me about her day, she really didn’t expect me to pick up the Gander Mountain catalog and order shock collars for her entire class.  She just wanted me to listen and identify with her need to express her feminine feelings.

If one particular student had been giving her a rough time, I’ve learned that my first instinct (to start planning a birthday party and invite all the kids in her class except for the troublemaker) was not exactly the response she desired.  I have to admit though, that I’ve considered both of the aforementioned reactions in my career as a husband.

In defense of males everywhere, I have further discovered that these tendencies are not our fault all the time.  You see, females have no need for testosterone and they have no need for its aggressive effects either.  Females are blessed with estrogen.  This hormone not only makes females soft, curvy and great conversationalists, it also necessitates a corresponding ear, willing to listen and do absolutely nothing else.

Although hormonal research has existed for a long time, females only recently evolved into the human workforce.  This is precisely why we husbands are so far behind genetically in understanding our mates.  Personally, I feel fortunate that my science background has shown me this insight long before most of my peers became aware of it.

Fighting off the effects of testosterone

After my wife explained to me that an irate parent had given her an earful during her last year of teaching, I was so proud of the way I handled the situation.  I did contemplate calling the school board members to discuss the circumstances, but I stopped far short of petitioning the community to have the family ousted from our district.  I am improving.  Having them tarred and feathered only briefly entered my mind.

I’ve become calm and collected regarding my reactions. I no longer feel the urge to remove the air from the tires on the principal’s car while he’s attending a PTO meeting at the elementary building.  I no longer visualize myself dressed in black ninja tights, doing somersaults in the dark as I sneak through the lot, shooting out the street lights with my blow dart gun.  Using martial arts to kick out the headlights of his car no longer excites me either.

Today, using bale twine to tie a dead possum to the superintendent’s car hood rarely occupies my thoughts.  I am a changed man.

In the past, when an office secretary realized that a 5-page survey must be filled out by the end of the day, my wife would stay after school and complete it.  She has always willingly done tasks like this. Discovering that the form, arriving late from the secretary, and dated two months prior, irritated me much more than it bothered my wife (hormonal differences again).  I’m pleased to admit that I haven’t reported a secretary to the Better Business Bureau in over three months now.

The war is not over

I realize, though, that this is going to be a life-long battle.  Like gambling, drinking, smoking and overeating, I fully understand that I will need reinforcement every day for the rest of my life.  So, I have given my wife permission to purchase one shock collar, as mentioned previously.

I’m suggesting a variable-power collar, one that she can control with a remote.  Should she suspect that I’m going to react to any of her life situations or issues in any way, I am giving her advance permission to hit the power button and bring me gently back to that ever-so-important “listening” stage – yes, the one that took me 39 years to discover in the first place.  Until all male hormones have ceased to exist in my body, it’s the least I can do.

Forever advocating humane treatment

Author’s Note:  Always conscious of scientific research and the well-being of test subjects, I would not recommend the use of any shock collars unless previously tested repeatedly in laboratory situations. Readers will be happy to know that I have indeed run experiments on variable-power shock collars in the past. 
After purchasing a Golden Retriever pup about 15 years ago, I did test the collar on my own hand, starting with the lowest setting of 1 and gradually moving up to setting number 9.  I was barely sensitive to the most powerful selection and thought at first that the collar was defective.  
My next step was to fit the collar around my own neck to see if that might make a difference. My mistake was that I did not return the setting to a number lower than 9.  The jolt was totally unexpected and literally brought me to my knees. I promptly returned the collar in the mail the next day. It is no wonder why I presently wear a pacemaker and defibrillator. Sadly, this is also a true story. 

My Roots - The Potchaks - circa 1927

My Roots - The Potchaks - circa 1927
From Left: Son, Steve - Dad, Frank - Mom, Anastasia (Makar) - Sons; John, Mike, Frank, Chuck (Author's Dad) - Twins, Pete & Mary - Daughter, Catherine. Photo taken in Wilmore, PA