Welcome to The Rotary Club, International

Welcome to The Rotary Club, International
Welcome to my Rotary Club. I am recruiting new members worldwide. Read no further if you are thinking of the business-service club, famous in many communities for over 100 years. My club membership is devoted to bringing back the old rotary or crank phones from back in the day. Why would anyone contemplate such an odd venture?

Let me tell you why.

First of all, the old phones were large enough to see and less frustrating to operate. When Barney Fife clicked on his phone in the jailhouse in Mayberry, he never got disconnected, never had to be near a tower and never had to reach for his reading glasses.

He would say, “Sarah, connect to me to the diner – I’d like to speak with Juanita."

Then he could whisper sweet little things into her ear, without allowing all the jailhouse inmates the opportunity to hear what he was saying. In short, he didn’t have to YELL at the top of his voice. Those were the good old days.

Whether you are using cell phones, new cordless models of house phones, or just plain tone models with a cord, allow me to tell you a few things that you may not know.

These phones are not made here on Earth. They are imported from the planet Micron. The inhabitants there have little hands about the size of those possessed by the GEICO gecko. Those beings have no trouble using the tiny phones, but here on Earth, humans have some difficulty, and I have way more difficulty than most others.

I suspect that those aliens (via tiny micro-video cameras hidden in the present-day phones) are watching me. In fact, I bet I’m the most famous star ever seen on their most popular TV show titled, “Micronites Behaving Badly." The audience there is no doubt laughing hysterically at me every week and will never vote me off the show. I am the equivalent of the winner on American Idol in that world. I know this, because…

We have three cordless phones in our home. When I get a call, I just want to answer it and say what needs to be said, and that’s all. I do not need all the tiny buttons and hundreds of options.

But, the aliens (more intelligent than humans) equipped my phones, each differently. One of them has a FLASH button. Another has a TALK button, and the third has an ON button. All three buttons are supposed to have the same function, but none of the buttons are in the same location on the phones. So I have trouble just answering the phone. Most of the time, I can’t. And I am sure that I’m a real sight to those watching.

This may be a typical dialogue in Micron. “I’ll help you with the dishes tonight, Martha. I don’t want you to miss the beginning of the show starring the far-sighted Earthling. Last week he was hilarious."

On rare occasions when I luck out and get the call answered, I seem to always get the beep, indicating another call is coming in. In the good old days, getting another call was un-heard-of. And if you did cut the first caller short for some reason, it was known as being rude. You see, the Micronites are a rude race, and they enjoy watching each of us Earthlings cut each other off dozens of times each day. The lottery in Micron (used to benefit senior Micronites) is based on wagers taken as to how many times we humans are rude to each other, while using our phones. And they get quite a kick out of it – at our expense.

I do not provide any entertainment for them regarding rudeness – not because I am against it, but because I am still incapable of placing someone on hold. Not only my fingers are way too fat to use these phones, but also my eyes cannot read one thing on the keypad.

And I constantly forget where I last placed my reading glasses. For all I know, the Micronites may beam those up somehow to frustrate me more.

I can imagine another conversation between TV viewing Microns saying, “Look, Martha! That Earthling is flipping out again. He thinks he has misplaced his glasses. What a doofus!"

“Yeah, and I heard that the programmers are going to hide his medication for next week’s show. That should be comical."

The amusement grows for the aliens. They not only find our antics to be downright hilarious, but they find it particularly odd that we actually pay for this phone service.

I bet they would give us our phones and service totally free, as long as they could get their kicks out of witnessing our peculiar behavior. But, as long as we are obliging them by paying for our phones, they just take in the bucks as a bonus to the entertainment.

Well, I am no longer going to give them the satisfaction - hence my pledge is devoted to an all-out recruitment for my Rotary Club. Will you help me out? Will you join the Rotary? Will you take a stand against the Micronites? Or, will you continue to use the phone services that seem to be taking over our world?

I just remembered - I am using a wireless connection and at any time, the service may…... Damn !