Bits and Pieces Through the
Years, Part I
Like
it or not, we’ve all been guilty of miscommunication blunders at
one time or another during our lifetimes. The following scenarios
involving verbal miscues and acts of misunderstanding did indeed
occur. However, because of each story’s short duration, none made
the cut for a lengthy narrative standing on its own.
I’ll
start out with a true story from the third grade. The subject of the
flub was my good friend,
Tom Myers. (May
he rest in peace.)
During a spelling bee, Tom actually tried to spell shirt,
but
left out
the
“r”.
And he did not do it on purpose. Back then, the punishment was way
too severe for a student to
try to pull that one off.
Later
on, in high school,
poor Tom fell
during gym class and hit his head on the hardwood
floor. When the
teacher asked him if he was okay, he replied, “I think I may have a
‘percussion.’”
From
the football field
As
a coach, I’ve heard (and contributed to) my share of verbal
miscommunications – way more often than one might think.
During
an after school practice session,
I commanded
a junior high player to “throw that scrimmage vest over your
head and get in there on defense.” He
just stared at me. I had to repeat it over and over again a number
of times. The
dialogue, back and forth lasted over a full minute in length.
Finally, he did exactly
as he was told – he tossed the vest over his shoulder,
ran onto the
playing field, and sprinted into the huddle.
Another
time, I was in the practice huddle explaining our next play. I heard
all kinds of coughing, hacking,
and gagging emitting from one of our large, first-string tackles.
I asked him if he was okay, and he replied, “Sorry Coach, I have a
head cold in my
chest.”
Taking
the reins
as the practice team quarterback many years ago, I instructed one of
my players to “roll out to the left when I drop back to pass.”
He promptly did a somersault to his left as soon as I took the snap
from the center. I
almost wet myself, laughing as I dropped back with the football.
A
player once took a pretty hard hit as he caught a pass during junior
high practice one evening. I told him to “shake it off” and he
immediately
did just that,
vigorously shaking his
head from side to side like a horse. Honestly,
I
was surprised that
he didn’t whinny, too.
In
a varsity practice, a player jumped the count during wind
sprint conditioning
close to the end of the session. When this happened, the whole team
had to back up five yards (like
they would have had to do in a game situation) and
re-run the sprint. When I told them of the infraction, the guilty
player replied, “Sorry Coach, I was hearing mirages.”
During
a particularly hot and humid August football camp, a fellow assistant
coach hinted to a player about the new pool the
player’s family had just installed in their back yard. The
coach was
hoping to get an invitation for the staff to go
swimming
after practice. He tried complimenting the player by saying, “That
is a nice pool you have.” The player responded by rubbing his
thigh and saying,
“Yeah, but it’s been feeling better today.”
Coaches
do it, too.
Once
we were practicing punt returns during a very windy day on the field.
Our punt returner
watched as the
punt sailed far over his head and he had to sprint back to recover
the ball. The head
coach
promptly announced to the staff, “He don’t know wind.”
During
away games, we normally got off the bus right away, as a team, after
the driver parked in the designated area. On
this day, it was
raining cats and dogs, and the head coach was talking to the driver
and trying to find out if we could get closer to the visitors’
locker room.
I stood up and announced, “When we
get off the bus, we’re going to stay seated on the bus.”
It
also happens on paper.
A
coaches’ practice schedule was posted in the locker room before the
afternoon session one year during football camp. It read, “We need
‘impovement’
in all
‘fazes’
of the game this afternoon.”
Another
schedule was posted years later, saying the coach expected everyone
to be on the field promptly at 2:00pm,
but added, “‘Specialities’
players are to be ready 15 minutes earlier.”
Additional
bits unfit for local papers
During
an emotional pregame speech, our Head
Football
Coach
got his words mixed up a tad. We were playing Altoona’s Bishop
Guilfoyle High School and their colors are purple and gold.
Apparently,
in the back of his mind, he was thinking of “the purple people
eaters.” With his hands flailing and voice booming, he yelled,
“Let’s attack those purple pussy eaters.”
When
I taught 8th
grade science, it was customary to have my students enter the county
poster contest, where themes varied from topic to topic. One entry
had a perfectly drawn rodent, gnawing on a piece of wood along a
stream bank. The caption read, “Eat a beaver, save a tree.”
After checking with his parents, I became convinced that the student
heard the saying before, but had no idea what it meant.
After
deciding that his career wore on his nerves long enough, a colleague
decided to announce his retirement before the beginning of his last
year as a teacher. He stormed out the classroom one day with his
teeth grimacing and his jaw protruding, as he declared, “Worst God
damned bunch of ignorance I’ve ever seen.” He was then reminded
that it was only homeroom and the first day of school.
Stay tuned for Part II, coming soon.
Author’s
Note: My attempts
at writing old stories will come to an end with this calendar year.
It has been a pleasure reminiscing those good old days with my
readers.
